3.21.2006

you didn't ask, but i spoke anyway.

Warning: There’s been too much swimming through my mind so I’m using this as a forum to flush it out of my system so I can be functional again. Thanks for humoring me.

It’s cold outside and I’m feeling it deep within me. A weatherman would describe me as 37 degrees and partly cloudy. It’s one of those rare cold days that make me want a cigarette. I know, it’s a disgusting habit that I’m quite glad I’ve given up, but when the cold takes me I can’t help it. I battle my urge to be James Dean and listen to Sufjan Stevens on my lunch break instead. The sounds of “Come on Feel the Illinoise” also fit my mood today, bittersweet but hopeful. “What would Frank Lloyd Wright think?” What would he think indeed? I bide my time at Barnes and Noble reading design and technology magazines. I wonder what my life would be like if I were an architect or a professional artist, if I could travel or live abroad, if I dined in Florence or danced in Prague.

I feel the weight of life around me: the deadlines and calls I have to make; the financial and emotional responsibilities; the depth of my sin and the fear of grace; the fear of failure and the fear of success. The things that used to move me do not move me. And something above the clouds is screaming “Cry Freedom Cry!” I don’t need the revolution of spirit I craved in my youth I just need peace and motivation.

Okay, now that I got that emotional vomit out of my system. Now time for stream of consciousness. I’m excited about poker tonight. New episode of Lost this week (Finally!). And Sufjan Stevens still rocks. I’m still not sure what I thought about V for Vendetta. Mostly I’m looking forward to going to LR for JCLo wedding and to see mine and VA’s fams. I’m making homemade pizza for dinner tonight, so freaking good! I cannot find an apartment in FL and it’s driving me crazy! I’ve been driving down 540 looking at construction realizing that we’ll be gone before it’s finished, weird. Thanks for letting me get this out.

4 comments:

Elizabeth,  21/3/06 7:06 PM  

Hey Drew and Virg!I can't wait to see ya'll this weekend!I love you! :-)

jlo 21/3/06 10:28 PM  

Thanks so much for your time these past two weeks. I know you have a lot on your plate and you were so patient with Cindy. You are a true friend and a deep thinker. Keep the emotional stuff alive. I like to read it. See you Thursday and look forward to the ride.

rob 22/3/06 7:04 AM  

dude, i can relate

shauna 23/3/06 12:03 PM  

aah yes . . . one of those days.

funny you should mention "fear of success" . . i was JUST having a conversation with my brother about that. specifically in regards to Nelson Mandela's thoughts: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us..."

i've been pondering this and asking the obvious question of "why do we fear our success?"

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