scattered, smothered, covered, and pensive

And so i sit here at 12:34 a.m. on a tuesday night trying to remember the last time that I actually wrote anything during the darkside of the a.m. it feels like its been so long that i've actually written that i'm sure this will flow forth like vomit from my mind. this coming from the creative writing major.
So I'm an adult now. 25. I actually feel it quite a bit now, which is something that I never had really felt before. i remember in high school or college that gut yearning to be a "man." It always felt like something unattainable, but here i am working a 40+ hour a week job, with good benefits, and I wear a tie, and for the most part i feel comfortable; At least comfortable with the fact that Virg and I can purchase groceries on a regular basis and other necessities and even the occasional not so necessaries.
But to be honest I'm having somewhat of an identity crises and it feels so muddled in my mind that i'm not so sure how it will translate into words.
There was this person that I used to be that I'm not so much anymore. I was a bit more wild. I don't mean wild in the binge drinking, chain smoking, public nudity sense but more in the "i'm unique and against the system and isn't that cool?" when i was in jr. high i used to, no lie, climb out of my bedroom window onto the roof of our garage and conduct an invisible London Philharmonic Orchestra playing John William scores. I use to go to concerts on a regular basis and have late night conversations about philosophy or music with friends at Waffle House. I used to write all the time, or draw, or do whatever i could to "express myself." I use to take late night trips to random fields to watch meteor showers, but I don't really do that any more, and a few months ago I started asking myself why.
I think associate a lot of that period of my life with my rampant insecurities and the depression i went through. To call me an emotional guy is a bit of an understatement, especially back then. Upon coming out of depression i think i just kind of severed that part of me, because I felt that while the emotional highs were great, they were not worth the lows that I had been struggling through.
Which brings me to here, the new adult me. The thing I've been grappling with is where the old me intersects with the new. In all honesty I feel like I've lost a bit of myself in the whole process. I'm grateful and proud of the areas of discipline that God has wrought in me, but I also long for a bit of the passion and spontanaety that used to fill me. I live in the hope that He is going to someday meld these two together in me to form a "passionately responsible" man that brings Glory to Him instead of focusing on me and my own selfish "uniqueness."
I have felt a passion for my friends, old and new, that I haven't quite felt in some time. I am grateful to be in the church I am in and experiencing the community that I am on a regular basis. I am grateful for a wife who continues to challenge my selfishness directly and indirectly and who God uses to show me that i am capable of being loved. these things may not be as flashy or spontaneous, but they are genuine, which is even more important.

so goodnight to you all, i pray our paths cross soon.


jlo 16/3/05 12:34 PM  

"In all honesty I feel like I've lost a bit of myself in the whole process. I'm grateful and proud of the areas of discipline that God has wrought in me, but I also long for a bit of the passion and spontanaety that used to fill me."

Hey Bro...Glad to see you are writing again. I have missed you, so to speak. You titled your post "scattered, smothered, covered, and pensive" which I think seems to define why you are feeling the way you are. You say you feel you have lost a part of yourself, but I hope it is rather "smothered" as you said. I bet it is there, but you need a spark and mighty wind to rekindle the fire.

I think a lot of us are in that same position. Our work hours limit our ability to do some of the things you mentioned. If we don't take time to get back in the "wild" as John Eldridge says in Wild At Heart, we start to loose that something you are talking about. You missed the men's retreat when you were in the Rock and you missed some good recharge time. When is the last time you have "recharged your batteries?"

I have been thinking about having a guy weekend and or at least a day where we can go shoot things, fish, climb, burn things, etc. We also need time to talk to each other to know that we are all wrestling with these thoughts/problems and we need each others help getting that something back. Let me know what you think.

Also, I think we are due for another group camping trip some time soon?

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